


Overflowing

by arcanebf



Series: It's Just an Email [6]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Fluff, Love Simon AU, M/M, Matteo POV, they're both so obvious, what do we love? no braincell gays, why do we love them? cause theyr'e cute, will they ever learn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 02:54:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18730273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcanebf/pseuds/arcanebf
Summary: There was a nagging voice in Matteo’s head though, he wanted to figure out what his friends thought about gay people, for real. He knew they were all cool about it, but maybe, if he was careful, he could figure out what they would think if someone closer to them was gay. He was nowhere near ready to come out of the closet, but he was trying his best to get more comfortable with himself. He knew it would be something Adam said to do, in fact it was. His friends were growing as people and so was he, so why couldn’t he prompt conversation?





	Overflowing

**Author's Note:**

> it's 5.11am and i'm posting part 6 cause i got work soon and idk why not ?? we love an anxious, sad boy, he's doin his best here, he really is

**FROM:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **TO:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 16 at 15:22

 **SUBJECT:** Grilled Cheese

 

_Hey Luigi,_

_I made grilled cheese this morning but it didn’t taste too good, I feel like you’re going to have to give me some cooking tips. Could really use some of that staple cheese toasted boy knowledge. I’m not entirely sure where I fucked up._

_Warmly, Adam_

 

 **FROM:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **TO:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 16 at 15:46

 **SUBJECT:** RE: Grilled Cheese

 

_Hey Adam,_

_I’m honored you’re emailing me for grilled cheese making tips. For starters, what kind of cheese are you using and what are you using to make the bread not stick to the pan?_

_Warmly, Luigi_

 

 **FROM:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **TO:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 16 at 15:57

 **SUBJECT:** RE: Grilled Cheese

 

_I’m using just some store bought sliced cheese from the dairy section, and pan spray._

_Warmly, Adam_

 

 **FROM:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **TO:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 16 at 16:02

 **SUBJECT:** RE: Grilled Cheese

 

_Okay yeah, don’t… Use pan spray. Butter is always the best option it makes the whole sandwich experience so much better honestly._

_Warmly, Luigi_

 

 **FROM:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **TO:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 16 at 16:05

 **SUBJECT:** RE: Grilled Cheese

 

_Noted. You’re going to have to make me the perfect grilled cheese if we ever meet. ;)_

_Warmly, Adam_

_P.S._ [ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qOiNnK7AFg_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qOiNnK7AFg)

 

“You flirting with someone?” The voice snapped Matteo back to reality. He looked up and saw Jonas staring at him, a wild grin on his face. Matteo was rarely ever annoyed with Jonas but right now with that shiteating grin on his face, he found himself just about ready to punch him.

“Why do you ask?” He knew his cheeks were pink, he could feel the heat burning them.

“You’ve got that dumb happy smile on your face.”

Matteo just rolled his eyes and punched Jonas in the arm. Jonas tried to reach for his phone playfully which made a bit of panic rise up in Matteo’s chest. He pushed him away a little bit harder, making his friend stumble.

“Whoa, whoa, calm down.” Jonas held up his hands in an ‘I surrender’ action, looking at Matteo with concern

“Sorry, I just… I’ll tell you later, okay?” He gave Jonas a pleading look, making a small nod towards Abdi and Carlos who were approaching. “I can’t say it in front of them.” Matteo shoved his phone into his pocket and made sure that it wasn’t reachable by any of his friends. He sat up a little straighter when the two sat down at the table with them.

It was a lazy day, they hadn’t planned to do much except play ping-pong but it had started raining. Instead they found themselves in a coffee shop. Matteo didn’t have any appetite though, he was hoping no one pushed him on that. The day went fine, they all sat and talked. There was some girl talk, but most of it was Jonas and Carlos giving Abdi advice on how he should go about trying to get with Sam. Some of it was dumb, some of the things Abdi was saying were dumb as well, but he appreciated how stupid his friends could be. He didn’t always appreciate the girl talk but he did appreciate the mind-numbingness of it all.

There was a nagging voice in Matteo’s head though, he wanted to figure out what his friends thought about gay people, for real. He knew they were all cool about it, but maybe, if he was careful, he could figure out what they would think if someone closer to them was gay. He was nowhere near ready to come out of the closet, but he was trying his best to get more comfortable with himself. He knew it would be something Adam said to do, in fact it was. His friends were growing as people and so was he, so why couldn’t he prompt conversation?

“So, boys,” Matteo started slowly, pushing himself up in his chair. He pulled his legs up to his chest and hugged them to his chest. “Did you all see that post on the school blog?”

“Which one?” Carlos looked at him confused. “There’s been a lot lately.”

“Oh my god, yeah, did you see that one about the bathroom and how turtleneck guy was caught making out with a guy in the janitor’s closet” Abdi laughed. Matteo couldn’t help but wince, no one should be talking about that. It wasn’t any of their business.

“And someone posted that they were in love with Hanna,” Carlos shook his head, also laughing before he gained a look from Jonas that shut him up immediately.

“The,” the words caught in Matteo’s throat, why couldn’t he say the word ‘gay’? It was such a simple word. It shouldn’t have been hard. “The drowning one. What’d you think?” There was silence for a while. Matteo felt a weight press down on his body, he let his head fall against his knees and he prayed they would say nothing, they would do nothing. Ignore what he said, leave it be, he regretted it. He felt his body get heavier, colder, he wanted to leave and hide in his bed and scream and erase himself from existence.

“I hope he’s okay,” Jonas finally said, his voice was soft. “I get it, I think. That kind of thing can be stressful, sexuality is really weird and confusing.”

Matteo lifted his head just enough so he could read Jonas’ face. He couldn’t tell what was there. It looked like confusion, maybe understanding. He didn’t know what to say.

“Like, I’ve had nights when Abdi and I’ve gone out and instead of ending up with a girl, I’ve ended up with a guy and my hearts been racing a mile a minute.” Jonas looked serious, like this was something that had actually happened. Matteo’s heart was going to leap out of his chest, he swore it was going too. How come Jonas never told him any of this? Matteo was hurt, he wanted to yell but everything kept getting caught in his throat, he didn’t know what to do with himself. He thought he was angry, he felt angry, he wanted to be so mad at Jonas but the small part of him that used to love him, like _love_ him, was so terribly sad. Like he had missed his chance. Matteo looked over to Abdi who was just nodding along.

“Yeah, it’s been wild. I mean-- not the guy thing, but just… We all change, y’know? I’m straight, I know that. I think. We all change,” Abdi was kind of mumbling, like he didn’t have a place in the conversation, but Matteo had heard nothing that eloquent from him before. He usually just fumbled and giggled about how much he was into Sam.

“Girls are cool, guys are cool, everyone’s amazing honestly, life finds a way of surprising you like that,” Jonas chuckled and leaned back in his chair. “But I can understand that not everyone feels comfortable with that sort of new thing. Honestly, I’m not super sure about it or comfortable with it all, but… I’m trying.”

“I’m in love with Kiki,” Carlos started which earned him a groan from all three of the boys, “ _but_ you never know. I’m not saying I would cheat on her or anything like that and I hope we never break up, but everyone is quite amazing, I could see myself with a guy, or whoever really.”

“Oh, cool,” Matteo finally managed to get some words out. Any of them. He didn’t know what else to say though, he hated himself for bringing it up because all he wanted to do now was sink further into the darkness, he wanted the water to fully fill his lungs and let him rest finally.

Jonas poked Matteo in the side gently with the end of his fork. “Why did you want to know though?”

“Mind’s just been all over the place recently, weird things keep coming to the front of my head.” Matteo let his legs fall to the floor slowly, with what felt like all of his energy he pushed himself up from his seat. “I think I’m going to go home, I’m tired…” Without really paying attention to what the boys were saying to him, he left. He just started walking, no music, not looking at his phone. Just walking. He needed to clear his mind, he didn’t really care where he ended up as long as he was anywhere but there. He needed to be alone.

Matteo walked for what felt like hours, he remembered getting a notification on his phone that read ‘ _Congratulations! You just beat your longest distance!_ ’, he remembered reading texts from the groupchat with the boys, from Jonas directly, from Hanna, from Amira all checking in with him but he didn’t open them. He barely remembered what happened on the walk aside from the constant vibrating from his phone. Matteo saw his knuckles were bruising, had he punched something? He could tell his legs were aching as well, his throat was sore, did he scream? His body was in pain, but his brain wasn’t processing it. And he didn’t want to be reminded that people cared about him, no one needed to care about him, he could do everything on his own just fine. Matteo had taken care of his mom for a while when he was fifteen, he had taken care of himself for the last three years, he would be fine. No one needed to care about him but himself, he only needed himself.

No one needed to know that he was drowning.

 

* * *

 

In his dreams, Matteo was always down there. He was always alone in a cold, vast expanse of water. The pressure weighing down on his body. His body was being crushed under the weight of the water, his bones cracking, lungs about to burst from how desperately he needed to breathe. He would try and swim, he would swim and swim and swim and swim but he’d always remain in the same blue-black spot. Darkness surrounded him, he would look in every direction for anything, light in the vast emptiness that contained nothing but salt water. There was never anything that came remotely close to that though, he was always cold and alone. Something in his lonely ocean was keeping him stuck in one place, sometimes it would even drag him deeper down. Somehow the darkness would get darker, sometimes he wouldn’t be able to see his hands in front of his face, he would lose all sense of self to the water.

The saltwater wanted him, it wanted him to become apart of it. The darkness and the salt wanted to crush him and make him its own. Matteo wanted to give in so badly, he wanted to let it all go, let himself become part of it, let whatever _it_ was take him over. He thought it might bring him peace to succumb to the emptiness of the ocean, but there was a terrible part of him that kept fighting. Made him move his limbs frantically to swim, to breach the surface. _To breathe_. There was hope inside of him fighting, somehow producing just enough oxygen to keep him going despite the fact that he had been underwater for three years. 

The dreams were always the same. And his reaction was always the same. He would always wake up covered in a thin layer of sweat even though he hadn’t dreamt of anything else in months. Matteo would try to move from his bed but he would be weighed down, somehow the water would manifest in the real world, outside of the dreaded dreamscape he would still be trapped, his only solace smoking or drinking. Abusing every substance he could until he could fall back into a dreamless sleep. Eventually, he managed to pull himself from his bed and drift over to his little coffee table. Clumsy fingers would roll a joint, wobbly legs would carry him to his balcony, tired eyes would watch the city lights as he let his body be filled with a smoke the water couldn’t attack. His mind would buzz faintly, the weight would lift from his body allowing his lungs a break. The hope inside Matteo was striving for a day that this wasn’t necessary, but he couldn’t see his life without it.

Dazed he would carry himself back to his bed, falling back into his comforter. Before Adam he would wait for sleep to take over him, but now he felt the need to reach out. He said he wanted to be alone, he didn’t need anyone to take care of him, and that was true in his head. Matteo didn’t need anyone but himself, but there was a part of him that felt like he should reach out to someone. Adam understood him though, he would get it. Maybe there was a way to email him and not have it sound as though he was dumping all of his problems onto him.

Along with the hope that lived inside Matteo there was a monster that reminded him of all the terrible thoughts he had in his worst moments. As he had opened the gmail app on his phone that monster stopped him from reaching out to Adam. It reminded him that he had no idea who Adam was, it pestered, it prodded it’s way through Matteo’s mind, slipping inky black tendrils of doubt across his thoughts. He couldn’t be sure Adam was safe, he couldn’t be sure that Adam wasn’t anyone he knew. There was no way of knowing who Adam was, even if Matteo put effort into figuring out who he was, Matteo had no idea who he was. He could be giving his life story, his anxieties to an absolute stranger who could use them to ruin Matteo later on. He couldn’t let that happen, even if Adam made him feel like there was more to his world than the dark waters he was trapped in, he couldn’t let Adam know anymore. Not right now at least, not until he was sure he was safe.

 

* * *

 

Sunbeams shone through Matteo’s curtains the next morning as a chill ran over his body, pulling him from a blessed, dreamless sleep. He had forgotten to close the door to the balcony before going to bed last night. His phone was buzzing next to him, every second a new text notification.

 

**Jonas**

_LUUIIGGIIII_

**Jonas** **  
** _LUIIGIII LUIGI WE GOTTA GO_

**Abdi**

_Luigi bro we’re outside get your ass out here we’re going to be late for school_

**Jonas**

_MATTEO LUIGI FLORENZI_

_Get your ass outside or i will come up there and kick it_

 

Despite the terrible feelings from the night prior, Matteo felt some relief. A small bubble of oxygen passed into his lungs. He wasn’t breathing, he still felt heavy and waterlogged, but he didn’t feel like he was drowning.

 

* * *

 

They didn’t have to be in school today, but they were. It was a review day and everyone was trying their hardest to pass the Abi, teachers had made the day for students just like the boys, slackers and idiots alike, expecting them to come. There were others around as well, like Amira and Hanna, who weren’t struggling as much but still wanted all the help they could get. Matteo spent most of the day in the library with Amira, Hanna, and Jonas reviewing nonstop. He didn’t realize but they left for food at some point while he was slumped over, he didn’t care, his was appetite still shot. Jonas brought him back a sandwich but he just shoved it in his bag. Eventually the end of the day came, Matteo wasn’t sure he retained any of the information that was thrown at him, but at least now he could go home, retreating to the comforts of his bed. Jonas and Matteo left the library to go pick up Abdi so they could all grab food and head home together, Carlos was going to come but got stolen away by Kiki. Matteo didn’t think he was going to be eating anyway.

When they arrived at the gym, they decided to hang on the edges of the large room, not wanting to interrupt what was going on. The class wasn’t that large, no one liked Advanced P.E. and the people who did really went hard on their training for it. Matteo slumped back against the wall, keeping his focus on the ground, he just wanted to get out. Be anywhere but the school. He briefly looked up though, intending to ask Jonas a question, but his gaze caught on a line of guys doing pushups near where they stood. His breath caught in his throat when he saw who was in the line with them, moving with ease, like he could go on forever. _David_. He bit down on his lip and shifted, his body somehow managing to retreat into himself, making his body even smaller than he had already. Matteo watched the way his muscles bulged out with each motion, moving his body up and down effortlessly. Matteo’s imagination wandered briefly, wondering what it felt like to be wrapped up in his arms, how comfortable it must be to lean against David being held by his waist, resting against his chest. His could feel his cheeks growing warm, he pulled his scarf up over his cheeks, praying that no one would notice. Finally, the teacher blew his whistle, signalling the end of class. Abdi and David both stood up, giving each other a high five and made their way over to the boys.

“Hey,” David said, seeming like a general greeting, but his gaze was trained on Matteo. There was a brief thought in Matteo’s mind to ignore him, he would go away and he wouldn’t have to admit to himself he had been staring. Abdi and Jonas had started their own conversation though, making plans for tonight, leaving Matteo and David in their own bubble.

“Uh, hey,” Matteo mumbled, giving a half-hearted smile. “Everything good?”

“Yeah. Everything good?”

“Enough.”

“Enough?”

Matteo gave a small nod and pushed himself off the wall finally, he was moving through water, drifting and unsure how his body should work. David smiled faintly as Matteo moved closer to him, taking a step forward as well, letting their bubble become smaller. “How was… Uh, working out?”

“Good, feels good to get the anxiety out.” David shifted from foot to foot, almost like he was nervous, but he still had the smile. It was a beautiful smile, one Matteo wanted to kiss, he wanted to feel it against his lips, fall into David’s arms and be held by him. He let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

“Cool. We’re going out for food, do you… Want to come?”

“Maybe another time? I have to go home and study.”

“Oh, yeah. Sure. Another time.”

“You still owe me though.”

“What?”

“For clean up,” and the smile on David’s lips had been replaced by a mischievous grin. God, that grin would be the death of him, he could already tell. Even with Adam in mind, Matteo couldn’t help but feel butterflies in his stomach. David was… Stunning. Matteo smiled even bigger himself and he laughed, shaking his head a bit. He did owe David after all, he had gotten lucky with party clean up. He still couldn’t believe that this boy he barely knew just went out of his way to be kind.

“You’re right. Well, soon, just text me when you’re free.”

“Okay.”

“Cool.”

With that, Matteo felt a hand on his shoulder pulling him away as he had the stupid grin on his face, he couldn’t stop staring at David, he couldn’t stop thinking about him the whole way to get food, the whole way home, David took up his thoughts. He wanted to know more about him, he wanted to understand him better. David was mysterious and handsome, though honestly, there was something about him that made Matteo feel like he did know him a little bit already, maybe it was the nagging hope in Matteo’s head insisting that David wasn’t as mysterious as he thought he might be. He thought about him the whole way home, trying to pinpoint who exactly David was in his head. He was so familiar, but still a distant stranger. When he arrived home, he fell onto his bed and hugged his pillow tight to his chest, he felt giddy. He felt like he might be floating towards the surface. Not swimming, but _floating._ From his pocket, his phone let out a familiar _ping!_ Sound, Matteo swore his heart swelled up more.

 

 **FROM:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **TO:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 18 at 18:43

 **SUBJECT:** Breathtaking

 

_Hey Luigi,_

_Today was okay._

_I felt my heart rate rise a lot, due to anxiety, due to mixed emotions, due to goofiest boy I’ve ever seen with the dumbest smile that made me feel like I could break the surface of the ocean. I don’t really know why I’m telling you this, I feel like I can trust you with this. Maybe it’s too much, but his smile made me feel like I could breathe._

_If I’m being honest, for just a moment I could have sworn it was you._

_Warmly, Adam_

_P.S._ [ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVdPh2cBTN0_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVdPh2cBTN0)

[ **Image Attached:** There’s a hooded figure in Adam’s signature sketchy style. It’s drawn in grayscale. The figure is holding a cartoonish heart in one hand and a grilled cheese sandwich in the other. Surrounding the figure are little, wiggling lines that look like water, and bubbles of air.]

**Author's Note:**

> when will david return,,,,,,,,,i mean i know when, he said thursday but must we wait,,,,,,,,,,,i miss He,,,,,,,,,,  
> comment, let me know what you're thinking !! i know i don't respond to all the comments but they all make me so !!!! filled with love and warmth and i appreciate them so much. crit is deeply appreciated <3  
> my tumblr is @filmictrans if you wanna come talk there :)


End file.
